A Colorful Wall Trumps Everything - Part 3
"Gee, POTUS, are you sure about that?"
I'd been on the phone about ten minutes with Donald Trump, who had called me at 230 AM CST to announce that the wall was ready for painting. He was standing somewhere in the Arizona desert, inspecting a 40 foot long prototype of the wall, when he claims the he experienced a truly serendipitous moment.
"Yes, Larry, black, as in the dead of night. Just last night, I told Melania to cut it out about all of the mauve crap. Then she fired back with "magenta', so I had to ask Siri what the hell "magenta" was. I guess I kinda slammed the door on her, and before I knew it, I was on Air Force One headed to Phoenix to get a look-see at this wall prototype that some pothead out in California put together."
The unmistakable retort of gunfire pierces into my phone. "Everything OK down there, Donald?"
"Oh sure, Larry; I just told the guys to blast a few rounds over the heads of those families lying behind the cacti across the border. Can you hear them crying and slobbering in Spanish? Bunch of no-good cowards trying to sneak over here and rob us blind."
"So, Mr. Prez, why black?"
"Larry, I wish you were here with me. It's black on black out here. You can't see a damn thing. If it wasn't for these humongous diamonds on my fingers, I wouldn't be able to see my hand in front of my face. We all know that almost all the crossings happen at night; so there you have it."
"What exactly do we 'have', Donald?"
"Oh, come on, Larry; use your imagination. Let's say there's a bunch of those disgusting cockroaches running around at night trying to find the border; but guess what...they can't find it because they can't see it. And if they happen to accidentally run into it, they will be terrified because they can't see the top of it. Kind of a spooky Jack and the Beanstalk; get it? Sooner or later, when every night becomes a horror story, they'll tuck their little cockroach tails between their legs and head back down through Mexico."
"Wheh, POTUS, I guess your imagination trumps mine!"
"Does that surprise you, Lar?! I need to be thinking all the time in order to get this screwed-up country back on track! But worry not, my good fellow. This brain of mine seems to be an inexhaustible source of great ideas. And people love me for that. They love a president who can finally think on his own and come up with real solutions for real problems!"
Now Trump is talking to someone else. "Who's that, Donald?"
" Oh, that's Juan, my buddy from Tijuana, on the other line. We go back to the days when you could stroll around Tijuana carefree, get really drunk, take in a donkey show, and wake up the next morning with a couple gals passed out in bed next to you. Anyway, he is a really great photoshop guy. He's telling me he can make this one section of wall stretch into the horizon, never-ending."
"And why would you want that, Mr. Prez?"
"Oh, come on, Larry. You don't think that those goofball Democrats will ever allow me to get the money I need to really build this thing! Hell no! So I am just going to pull another fast one here. We'll publish pictures of the wall going on forever, my base will unquestioningly praise me, and everyone else will probably think that I wrote a personal check to cover the whole thing. It's a win-win!"
"You really do have one helluva brain up there, Donald. But what about folks who drive down there for a look-see?"
"Here's the deal, Lar. Nobody lives near this hell-forsaken border anyway; would you? And as for curiosity seekers..I think we may have to put wheels on the thing and roll it around to wherever those folks are coming. I'm still thinking about that...come on, brain, do your magic!"
"So when do you need me down there to do the painting?"
"Tomorrow. I already had a guy go to Home Depot and pick up a couple gallons of black paint for you. They were having some kind of holiday sale. We'll have some kind of wall-painting celebration. In fact, Juan tells me that he can photoshop you and your guys doing the painting and it will look like you have a couple hundred workers. Might help you get jobs in other countries where they're thinking about putting up a walls. This whole wall thing is going to catch on, just watch. Oh yea, Juan thinks that a really beautiful touch to the ceremony would be to have the Stones' "Paint It Black" playing in the background, Juan and I think along the same lines. I love that guy. So, what do you think, Lar?"