A Colorful Wall Trumps Everything!
"Yes, Larry, thanks for calling back." Donald Trump carefully places his can of spray tan on the vanity and gestures for his wife to bring him a towel. "You know, this whole idea of painting the wall is Melania's; and since we never argue, I've got to agree with her on this one, again."
Larry of Perennial Painters has had quite a few unusual requests over the span of his painting career, but nothing like this. "Well, Donald, can you be a little more specific as to what you're after? Like, what are the dimensions of this wall; do you have a schedule: what colors are you looking at?"
"Hmmmmm, Just a second." Larry can hear Donald asking Siri for the distance of the Mexican-U.S. border. "Geez, Larry. The damn thing is going to be 1989 miles long. Wow! Let's just call it an even 2000. That'll make it easier for you, right?"
"Sure. But I need to know, also, how high it's going to be."
Now Larry can hear Donald whispering to someone; probably Melania. "I'm not quite sure on that one. You see, I've got some guys doing a study on the maximum jumping height of a Mexican. Then we'll add a few feet to that just to be safe. The devil's in the details; right, Larry?"
"And another detail, Donald, would be whether or not we would be painting both sides of the wall."
"I need to see your bid first. I don't know if I could afford doing both sides. But, right off the top, I'd say to not include the south side. Those people down there seem to be a little pissed off about the thing; and so I'm sure that it will get "painted" with some choice Spanish graffiti, if you know what I mean?!"
"Yes, I do. Now let's talk colors, Donald. What do you have in mind?"
More whispering, then,"Melania keeps insisting on a mauve. She thinks that would make a great background for billboards advertising her jewelry. But that wouldn't go over with the moderate Republicans. Damn it, they want everything in red! As in, red on red."
"Here's a thought, Donald, paint the thing red, which means that in a couple of years, when it fades, it'll be mauve; and then your wife can get her billboards up there."
"Not a bad idea, Larry. Then we wouldn't have to argue. which would keep our non-arguing streak alive." A long pause. "You know, to be honest with you, I wouldn't mind putting a few of my own billboards up on that thing, I've got some properties here and there that I just can't dump. In fact, I've got a sweet little hotel, right on the beach, that's been sitting vacant now for a couple years..right outside of Mazatlan."
"OK." And Larry literally pinches himself.
"Wait a minute, Larry. Now my wife is telling me that mauve looks a lot like purple. And she also reminded me as to what kind of people like purple. I get it. We don't want the wall to be a gathering place for Gay Pride Parades, and all the goofy stuff that comes with those kind of people." Donald finally stops staring into the mirror to look for his comb.
"So when do you think that you will need us to do the painting?"
"Let me think. I'll be taking office in January or February, I can't remember which. Then we're going on vacation in the Caymans for a couple of weeks. Then she wants to have a garage sale to get rid of a bunch of crap that won't fit in the White House. Oh, I don't know...let's say July of next year. How does that sound?"
"Gotcha, Donald. How do you want me to get the bid to you?"
"Yes, Larry, you can email it to our new address. "email@example.com". All one word. I'll be looking forward to getting that from you."
"Take care, Donald. And good luck"
"Oh, Larry, I keep forgetting to ask you. Perennial Painters don't hire Mexicans, do they?"